Not looking back

I used to think everything had boundaries. That everything was compartmentalized and it was either black or white. I also was 15 and all I really thought about was soccer, orchestra and what boy I was crushing on. I’m 25 now and I’ve realized that life is all over the place, it’s not black or white but a cool shade of grey and that nothing is just going to happen. I’ve had lots of changes going on in my life lately, changes that for most are never experienced. I’m not most though. I never have been. I used to think I was the norm and that I would have a better existence if I matched the general population. I would wear the latest trend because I saw 3 girls in soccer class wearing the same thing. I would listen to the music that every one of my friends was rocking out to and I would obsess over the same things the rest of my peers spent countless hours obsessing over. I’ve had a lot of time to think to reevaluate the me that currently exists. I’ve learned to understand that there is no norm and that I shouldn’t want to be or lie about being anything I’m not. Recently I’ve had to shed a lot of extra things in my life so I could concentrate on me. I’ve had to forego spontaneous dinners or happy hours with friends or family so that I didn’t stray from the routine I’ve created for myself. I’ve never had structure. I’ve never had a routine that got me from day to day. Some people might tell me that routine is not good and for someone who has spent a majority of their life running from reality, routine is the drug that calms the chaos. I’m learning that this chapter of my life may not be the most glamorous and that’s ok. This is a time for rebuilding, evaluation and structure. This is a time to prove to not only myself but to my support system that I am one to be trusted that I am one to count on. I may lose some people during this chapter people that may not understand what is going on people who may think I’m ignoring them and as hard as that fact is to swallow it is reality. I may lose them and I hope it’s temporary but I can’t look back I can’t get walked on anymore I can’t avoid the reality that my life for so long has been out of control. This is my time…my time to walk in my own shoes to keep my head held high and despite fear and the anxiety that change brings to keep myself calm, cool and collected. So begins the chapter, where I become me.