The prize at the end of the rope

Here's a passage from "All My Life" by the Foo Fighters one of my favorite bands:

All my life I've been searching for something

Something never comes, never leads to nothing

Nothing satisfies, but I'm getting close

Closer to the prize at the end of the rope...

I'm always searching not necessarily for better but for change. The mundane seconds of every day wear on my not-so-patient soul and I'm always wanting to experience new things. I feel so held back though and not by anybody or anything but by my self. The unknown entices me and I can't help but build the bridge to get there. Lately my life is like a treadmill I run and I run but never getting anywhere. The tiny things in life build up and cover my conscience causing me to feel overwhelmed and underproductive. Battles are fought in my head, and nothing is ever concluded. So many things are left unanswered or unfinished and it's very exhausting.

My divorce was finalized back in July and since then I don't feel like things have really changed. My marriage to me was over long before the day I walked into that court and signed page after page. People have been quick to judge my decision even my own self at times but nothing made me happier than doing something for me. I've always wanted to please others and never tick anyone off but I got to the point where my future mattered more than what others thought of me in the present. My ex was not a bad person, he was a lost person I will say that, but bad not even the slightest. He was good to me, he truly loved me with his whole heart but things got in the way, life got in the way. He was not true to his word, he let himself get the best of him and it ended us. Not blaming him for it all but everything dominoed from one event. I will never forget what I learned nor the love that we so briefly shared.

Back to what I was talking about at the beggining of this post, I feel like it's time that I pull my feet out of the mud and actually do something. I've done things but not something if that makes any sense at all. I know life is all about the small stuff and not everything has to be perfect or go exactly as planned. I love that life is erratic and that I am flawed. I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for me and I will always be looking for someone to share the gift of existence with. Whether I find that someone or not it doesn't matter, I just want to be comfortable with me and the life that I'm leading. Right now I'm not and I expect to do all I can to change that. First step for me is changing what I hate most about myself, my weight. So please send good thoughts my way as I will be trying to lose weight over the next however long it takes.

Hope all is well wherever you may be...oh and by the way Go Rangers (Texas Rangers)!!

So ya hey blog

So many things going on. Like life. I'm sorry I've abandoned you dear blog you've unfortunately never been a focus but here I am to apologize and shake hands and maybe even chest bump...no? Alright. I'm sitting here watching American Idol and seeing these people try to make something of themself and they aren't perfect but they put themself out there for criticism and they manage. This is something I've never been good at. I've always taken things personally and became defensive. I guess with age and with certain experiences comes growth and change. I recently found out that I have until the end of the month to find a new job. I'm being laid-off. My company is merging with another and they are "phasing" my position out and so I've had to sit at my desk still working feverishly and deal with this shit. Excuse me but shit felt good to say lol. I've been there 3 years and I work in the coolest place, for me anyway and I'm trying to deal with all of the changes this means. I'm also smack dab in the middle of a divorce after not even 2 years of marriage and so even though this may seem like a black hole that I'm living in I've been surprisingly positive. No, not in every moment but in most moments. I've already had 1 interview and another one on Thursday. I've never been less appreciated than I have been at my job that's laying me off. So I know this means great things for me. I work hard I am on time I don't complain I just am me and do my thing. So to those who don't appreciate that well...good riddance. So here I am blog. A new me, a me faced with a bunch of unwanted things, but things that will make me strong and free. I know I don't have a lot of followers on this thing so to those of you who read...thanks for reading. Sorry it's been awhile. Hope all is well. Peace out for now friends.