"Busy" vs. Busy

This post was inspired by a joy juice prompt sent to me awhile back. You can find out about the awesomeness of joy juice by clicking the title of this post.

So. What makes you busy? For me it's work. Shocker. I've always been a solid employee. I'm on time, I go above what's required, and I'm dependable. I fell into the mortgage industry while picking up the pieces of myself back in 2006. I loved the ever-changing nature that comes with it and I loved being in the corporate world. Maybe it was the location of my job, inside the Ballpark in Arlington, or maybe the people I worked with, but I fell in love. I fell in love with busy. I felt unaccomplished when my day ended right at 5:00. I felt like working until 7 or 8 was the norm and for this industry when it's busy that is the norm. I spent 3 years becoming better at my job as a loan processor. I couldn't wait to find the next challenge, to reach the next level of my career. I don't have a college degree so I felt like this was my path and so I let it consume me. It consumed my personal life because I took work home or I let the stresses affect all aspects of my life. I started to lose my hair, from a stress induced condition called alopecia. It was terrible. Whatever happened at work whether negative or positive had a direct impact on me and my outside life. I don't think I realized it was work that was causing my unhappiness. I don't think it even hit me until I started writing this post even.

It didn't end there though. I was at that job for 4 years and was laid off due to a merge of two companies. My position was phased out. I started feeling panicked and confused. I didn't know if this meant I should change career paths or just stick with the one I had invested so much time in. So I stuck it out. I'm still sticking it out. I have invested so much time. I still love what I do as a whole but there are varying factors that make it hard to sit in my desk chair 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Sometimes I feel like I'm meant to be elsewhere but then the voice in my head starts shouting at me for being unreasonable. I have a plan though I really do. I pay off my car sometime next year and I feel like that will be my chance to fly. I will have $500 a month to myself. All mine. Not some financial company that has drained me of every cent for 6 years. I want to slap my 20 year old self for getting me into this mess.

So my addiction to busy is fueled by the need to make money. I have a plan. I have ideas. I have a desire to do more than what I'm doing. My addiction to busy should not play the leading role in my life. My idea of "busy" needs to include healthy things like working out or writing or volunteering. So I'm waving goodbye to busy and saying hello to being present.

In which I take a leap of faith...

Tomorrow I set forth on a journey. A journey which will require hours of self-reflection, memories I might not like to think about with a healthy dose of laughter and You go Girl yells. It's 10 weeks long and I'm ready and focused to begin. I've never been one to fully admit I'm struggling until the situation is severely out of control and forces me to admit what's going on. Last year was a year of self-discovery, change, and being down. I no longer intend to live life behind a frown and instead smile brightly like I always have. I will no longer let the oh woe is me phrase control my future. The warmth of a blanket is nothing like the warmth of new friendships and adventure. I plan to make this a Revolution of a year. I plan to seize the day and never look back. This is life and there's no rewinding time. It's time to focus on all aspects of a healthy life and finally do and not just say. I'm beyond ready for this, my sanity and future depend on this. Lord give me courage to face the rocky patches ahead, the clarity so that I may see through the clouded images of society and the strength to stand up and fight. I'll try to post every week regarding my progress. Here I go...

Not looking back

I used to think everything had boundaries. That everything was compartmentalized and it was either black or white. I also was 15 and all I really thought about was soccer, orchestra and what boy I was crushing on. I’m 25 now and I’ve realized that life is all over the place, it’s not black or white but a cool shade of grey and that nothing is just going to happen. I’ve had lots of changes going on in my life lately, changes that for most are never experienced. I’m not most though. I never have been. I used to think I was the norm and that I would have a better existence if I matched the general population. I would wear the latest trend because I saw 3 girls in soccer class wearing the same thing. I would listen to the music that every one of my friends was rocking out to and I would obsess over the same things the rest of my peers spent countless hours obsessing over. I’ve had a lot of time to think to reevaluate the me that currently exists. I’ve learned to understand that there is no norm and that I shouldn’t want to be or lie about being anything I’m not. Recently I’ve had to shed a lot of extra things in my life so I could concentrate on me. I’ve had to forego spontaneous dinners or happy hours with friends or family so that I didn’t stray from the routine I’ve created for myself. I’ve never had structure. I’ve never had a routine that got me from day to day. Some people might tell me that routine is not good and for someone who has spent a majority of their life running from reality, routine is the drug that calms the chaos. I’m learning that this chapter of my life may not be the most glamorous and that’s ok. This is a time for rebuilding, evaluation and structure. This is a time to prove to not only myself but to my support system that I am one to be trusted that I am one to count on. I may lose some people during this chapter people that may not understand what is going on people who may think I’m ignoring them and as hard as that fact is to swallow it is reality. I may lose them and I hope it’s temporary but I can’t look back I can’t get walked on anymore I can’t avoid the reality that my life for so long has been out of control. This is my time…my time to walk in my own shoes to keep my head held high and despite fear and the anxiety that change brings to keep myself calm, cool and collected. So begins the chapter, where I become me.

Wow...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. I guess when life happens certain other things tend not to happen. Like blogging. So much has happened. I'm a little uneasy to talk about the specifics of the happenings but I'm doing alright I'm in a great new job and I'm looking up with clear eyes. For the first time in my life I'm evaluating me and my goals and my outlook and who I am, etc. It feels amazing. I'm scared yes admittedly but I know that I have a huge support system and am just taking baby steps right now. Ok well just wanted to stop in and for those of you who read this let you know I'm just fine. I'll be back soon I promise :-)

New Life

I'm in the midst of madness yet I feel perfectly calm and collected. I look to the sky and I feel free and balanced. My life has begun...again. I'm 25 and I've faced a lot of hard times and I've never taken time to evaluate who I am and where I want to go. I used to concentrate on the present and dwell on the past yet I rarely gave myself goals to attain in the future. I may have thought about them but I never took the steps to make those goals happen. It's almost as if I just thought they would happen. Like I could speak them into completion. I had a problem when I first started struggling in college where I would avoid reality. That I was actually struggling yet I was too prideful to step up and study more or seek supplemental instruction. I just thought that it was going to be handed to me. I was a straight A student in high school I studied but not as much that's required in college. I wasn't ill-prepared by any means but somewhere between the age of 18 and 19 I lost the initiative to step up and do things. I started to just exist and not be me and I became extremely detached. There is a lot in between that I don't really want to dive into all of that but basically it's been awhile since I've truly evaluated myself. Right now I'm finally doing that and it feels good because I surprisingly like what I see and realize I have infinitely more to offer than I've ever been given credit for. So here I am...same old me with a new perspective and cleared eyes to see the world with.

Deathly shy

When I was a kid up until the age of about 12 I was that weird shy kid you never want to make eye contact with. Seriously it was bad. I mean I had my close friends who really knew that I wasn't truly the weird shy kid I was at school but everyone else knew me as shy Ashley. I always made great grades and did my work so the only problem my teachers had with me was that I didn't talk much. How could that not like that though? Geez! I remember once during open house my parents were asked by a teacher of mine if I was mute...seriously?! Rewind a bit...when I was 3 my mom enrolled me in this dance school in hopes of helping me come out of my shell. Well that plan FAILED and it made me crawl further into that imaginary shell. I went to the same elementary from K - 6th and the summer before 7th grade we decided to move across town. I was devastated. All that hard work of actually making friends just down the drain. So being the great parents that they are they said Ash ya know what if you don't mind getting up a little early we don't mind driving you to school across town so you can be with your friends. I was stoked! Even though the junior high with my friends had uniforms, I just wanted to be there with my friends. So...summer flew by and my mom had even bought my uniforms and such. 2 weeks before school something hit me...why the hell would I want to get up early just to go to school to be with friends that I may not see every class or at all throughout the day. So I sheepishly went into my parents room and had a serious conversation with them. I asked if they would be mad if I decided to go to Bailey Junior High, the junior high right by the house, the junior high my dad went to, and the junior high where I would meet the greatest friends I could ever have met. They joyously agreed with decision and the rest is history. So I stared at Bailey two weeks later and had absolutely no friends at all. I knew one girl from a soccer camp but we weren't even friends just aquaintances. So I had to reluctantly crawl out of that shell and test the waters. So...I was shy and weird...now I'm outgoing and weird. Haha there's no changing weird. I'm thankful for that weird and awkward stage in my life. It has helped me approach situations with not so outgoing people in a very easy going non abrassive manner. Now, admittedly, my outgoing personality has got me into trouble on many occasions, but I am just thankful I can actually talk to a person one on one now without nearly having a panic attack. I'm not exactly sure why I decided to share this small tidbit of my life but it's my blog and I can do what I want lol. A lot is going on right now and I can't complain about anything so I could blog about all the things I've done lately and about the cruise I went on but I don't feel like getting carried away and I'm at work... Later gators.

As I sat there pondering whether or not to clean the chaos that is our newly acquired room, I realized something about myself. I am Grade A, First Class Procrastinator. I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm lazy I just prefer to procrastinate. It's sad really and this desire to procrastinate has grown the older I get. Eh...I'll get to it tomorrow my mind thinks...tomorrow rolls along and I still have no desire to clean the damn thing. It's quite the sight though let me tell ya...we have an entire houseful of stuff in one room. Now granted this room is the size of a studio apartment but still not enough space for the stuff we acquired in just 3 months...but it'll do for now and we don't have to pay rent for a while. Yay! As changes are made and the holidays approach I find myself contemplating many things. When will Ryan and I have kids, what will their names be, will we have enough money and be successful, why is this economy sucking...and this list goes on and on. If I start to dwell I'm pretty good about getting my mind out of the rut and thinking about happy things like ponies and butterflies...ok fine maybe not ponies and butterflies but you catch my drift eh? I'm sitting here at work...somewhere I would rather not be at the moment and I just had one of those awkward eye contact moments. I looked up from my cube at the exact moment one of the managers was walking bye and we awkwardly made eye contact with no words spoken. Now I don't find myself in awkward moments but this was one of them and I hate that nothing was said. I mean I could have broken the silent eye contact with hey pal how's it going...but what if he replied shitty and I don't want to talk about it. That would just intensify the awkwardness. So I remained silent and waited as he passed...lame. Have you ever had those? I also giggle at awkward scenes in movies. Well I mean I giggle about everything but that's one of the many things I uncontrollably giggle about. So my friend T is searching for a long lost friend and I'm hoping to help find this friend. She's so wonderful. Have you ever just had that one friend that you can't live a day without...she's that friend for me. I know I've blogged about her before but I just wanted to reiterrate what a pal she is :-). This is for you T..."Hey boy whatsho name?". hahaha Well I guess I better get back to the daily grind. At least I have a job though which is saying a lot right now in this crap ass economy. I live you with this quote I found somewhere a while back "Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly". Later gators.

Our baby!

This is DJ. She is our new 8 1/2 month old sweet sweet baby girl! She's labrador retriever and something else mix...Ryan thinks Collie...but she could be a number of things. Either way she's a sweet as can be and loves to love. Her first day with us was a little rough because she was throwing up and unable to drink water and was restless, but today she's had a full day and she's soooo tired now. She keeps walking in here as I'm typing wondering what I'm doing and just plopped down beside the chair. She is so cute and very well mannered. She's a little afraid of the backyard now because the big scary german shepherd next door keeps barking at her. She'll get over it though.

So today has been spent with getting DJ used to everything and visiting with my family and Ryan's. They love her so much. So my maternal instincts kicked in last night and I didn't sleep too well because I kept checking on her and making sure she was ok. She did well through the night and slept at the end of our bed all night. We're so happy and she's happy as well. So I had a moment today to myself as I sat on the back porch and soaked in the beautiful weather and my surroundings. I love fall in texas...if only it could be this mild all year round...but I guess if I'm looking for that kind of weather I should move to Hawaii, but I'm not the slow-going pot smoking type like some on the island are. Anyway, I'm starting to get worried about the economy and what will start happening when we crash...I say when because it doesn't seem like the U.S. is going anywhere but down. I hope it gets better though. Anywho...Ryan has an interview on Monday morning!! It's with a wood company near my work and the position has plenty room for growth and a healthy starting income as well. I'm praying all goes well. Good luck Ryno!!

So my bro and his good friend Kenzie are over spending the night tonight. They're playing Playstation 3 of course but they're having a good time. I'm a little worried about my bro though...he's turning out like my dad...I mean my dad is a wonderful man but he's not very ambitious and I just don't want my bro to turn out like that. I think with good friends, if he doesn't lose them, he will turn out ambitious and will go to college and all that jazz. He's only 13 so he has plenty time to grow up and change.

So...it's so weird how things work out...and how things don't. I got a call from my ex's sister yesterday. She has 2 wedding gifts from my ex's mom to give me and she wants to come deliver them to me soon. Typically a call from my past would jolt me and bring back bad memories but I'm a stronger woman than I once was so I'm managing quite well. I need to call her tomorrow so she can finally bring those gifts over.

I'm so ready for a lot of changes financially. I really REALLY hope to get my car refinanced soon to get my ex's name off the title. It'll be nice not to have that connection anymore to my past. I'm not saying my past was entirely awful but I was a totally different person and I never want to be that way again. Moving on...

I'm not feeling so well right now so I better go get some rest before I get any worse. I hope you all, whoever reads this, is having a great day. Nighty night sleep tight...

Stacked Actors

I had to share this picture. It's one of my favorties from our wedding. Don't judge my lack of jumping abilities...it's the little extra poundage I've put on lol actually I think I jumped way before the picture was taken and this was me landing. Anywho, our wedding was spectacular...I could not have imagined a better day. I know I've already said that in a previous blog but I was just thinking about how AWESOME it turned out. Thanks mom!!

So I just got done mowing the grass. Ryan cuts the front yard but I cut the back yard...he's allergic to the grass back there. We've accomplished a lot today but had to give up our behind bullpen tickets to the rangers game to do so. Pre moving in/marriage we would have NEVER given up a chance to see the Rangers but your priorities change instantaneously when you get married. It is for the best though because I hate mid-week cleaning. So I have been listening to an older Foo Fighters song and re-fell in love with that song "Stacked Actors"...it's hilarious! Check it out yo. ha. So I've been reading a friend of mine's blog and I'm really excited for his recent move to South Korea to teach english. It's a goal of mine to experience another culture whether that be in another state or country so I've been really intrigued to hear about his experiences. Best of luck B! Ok well I better jump in the shower and get ready for some FOOTBALL! GO COWBOYS! Jared's coming over in a bit...he just got out of the Marines after serving two terms in Iraq. Ok well I'm out for now...see ya later gators!